How would I go about this?

As per my original post:

I want to EXCLUSIVELY trigger those events through JavaScript on my website.

I won’t touch MTM. It’s bloated with bad documentation and I need to configure everything in the Matomo UI which is horrible and also impossible to maintain, given that people recommend to run multiple sites to handle different environments. See: How to set up dev/staging/prod environments - #2 by imark

I have implemented my own solution.